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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Monsanto Develops Hardier Strain Of Corn That Yields 4 Times Normal Litigation

ST. LOUIS—Agricultural biotech giant Monsanto unveiled its latest strain of genetically modified corn Wednesday, claiming that the new, hardier seed yields 400 percent more litigation against small independent farms than the company’s previous GMO products. “We are excited to introduce our newest variety of corn, which is capable of producing up to 1,000 patent infringement cases per growing season,” said Monsanto spokesman Richard Gringell, explaining that this proprietary strain of the large cereal grain had been carefully engineered to withstand even the harshest countersuits. “Moreover, our new variety can cross-pollinate with nearby farmers’ crops three times faster, generating new targets for legal action much more efficiently than before. In fact, just one acre of our new corn is able to bankrupt as many family farmers as 10 acres of our previous formula. It’s a huge leap forward for our company.” Gringell added that the particularly robust and litigious variety of corn only requires three lawyers to prosecute, saving on average $1,500 per hour the company can then allocate toward developing new pesticides whose resulting birth defects can’t be traced.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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