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Monsanto Harvest-Resistant Corn Now Engulfing Most Of Midwest

Officials say Indianapolis is now 60 percent corn.
Officials say Indianapolis is now 60 percent corn.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Wreaking untold environmental and economic devastation throughout the region, a strain of harvest-resistant corn engineered by the agrochemical company Monsanto is now engulfing most of the Midwest, officials confirmed Monday.

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the genetically modified crop, which Monsanto originally enhanced with traits to provide resistance from pests, diseases, and environmental conditions such as drought and frost, has become completely impervious to industrial reaping machinery and has spread uncontrollably across 700,000 square miles of land. With the unharvestable corn growing through asphalt roadways and airport tarmacs all over the Midwest, FEMA has been leading efforts to evacuate millions of residents before the plants obstruct all travel in the central United States.

“This particular strain of Monsanto corn is advancing at an alarming rate, and all efforts to contain the aggressive infestation have thus far been unsuccessful,” said Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Krysta Harden, who confirmed that the bioengineered crop thrives even in inhospitable environments and threatens entire ecosystems through rapid colonization and domination of native vegetation. “At this rate, we are facing a catastrophic level of growth. The corn has spread quickly from farms, overwhelming small towns and suburban neighborhoods, and is now starting to encroach upon highly populated cities.”

“We’re dealing with a virtually indestructible corn plant that faces no natural competition and can take hold and flourish on any available surface,” added Harden. “At this point, the stretch of land from Minnesota to Arkansas has almost been completely consumed by this agribusiness product.”

According to accounts, hundreds of farmers throughout the region have been forced to abandon tractors and agriculture equipment in fields overgrown with the robust crop. Despite efforts by the USDA to halt the crop’s expansion using high-concentration herbicides, chemical treatments of the region’s soil, and controlled fires, thick rows of the corn—officially known by the Monsanto product ID MON915—have continued to overtake farmland, forests, parks, and both commercial and residential properties.

Officials confirmed that the highly resilient corn is composed of a Monsanto-patented steel-like plant fiber, creating an unbreakable stalk and an impenetrable husk that is impossible to open or separate from the rest of the organism. In addition, sources confirmed that the corn’s roots become too firmly embedded in the bedrock to remove the plant from the soil.

“This genetically modified corn is so dense in places that it has rendered many towns in the Midwest completely inaccessible,” said Harden, warning that the corn, which was carefully engineered in Monsanto’s St. Louis laboratories, was rapidly draining the nutrients from the soil and depleting the region’s groundwater. “By our estimates, the crop is now consuming 100 acres of land per hour, and is likely to completely cut off the Omaha metropolitan area by month’s end.”

“Unfortunately, the start of colder weather hasn’t slowed this bioengineered corn at all,” added Harden. “It’s too hardy.”

Following its introduction during the 2013 agricultural season, the corn has ravaged natural habitats by crowding out local wildlife’s food sources and clogging major waterways, including the Missouri and Mississippi rivers, with its dense root systems. In recent weeks, experts expressed concerns about the humanitarian crisis caused by the crop’s unrelenting expansion, which has forced the populations of Columbia, MO, Carbondale, IL, Ames, IA, and several other cities to abandon their homes.

“The corn started inching in on the outskirts of town about four months ago,” said Columbia, MO, resident Carla Tanner, who was forced to evacuate with her family of four after numerous stalks of the bio-patented crop burst through her home’s floorboards, compromising several of the load-bearing elements in the building and making the structure unsafe for habitation. “None of us expected the corn to grow so fast and so thick. By the time we left, you could hardly see from one side of Main Street to the other for all the stalks.”

“There is no Columbia anymore,” Tanner continued. “It’s all just corn.”

At press time, the Monsanto Company had announced plans to bring legal action against the 65 million people of the Midwest for growing patented genetic material without paying the company’s seed premium.

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Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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