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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Monster At End Of Book Claims Life Of TV's Grover

SESAME STREET—Tragedy struck this peaceful, educational New York neighborhood Saturday when a horrible, scary monster dismembered and devoured television star Grover, despite the Muppet's continuous urging to beginning reader Brian Wilcox, 6, "not to turn the page." "Apparently, this warped, sadistic child was intent on seeing Grover attacked and killed," said Police Sgt. William Rudin at the crime scene. "Nothing else could explain his repeated insistence on ignoring lovable, furry old Grover's frantic and explicit warnings on virtually every page." Witnesses say that as Grover was viciously savaged and eaten by the monster on the last page, he used his final words to denounce Wilcox for his cruelty. The NYPD has ruled out the possibility that Wilcox was aided by an accomplice, telling reporters, "Brian read this book all by himself."

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