Monster Got Tina

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Vol 44 Issue 33

U.S. Driving Less

Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Monster Got Tina

OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors just moments ago. Mounting evidence, including Tina's blood-soaked tank top and the sound of crunching bones and tearing flesh coming from the bushes less than 15 feet away, has dashed all hopes of ever recovering the teenager's remains. As of press time, the monster appears to have finally succumbed to its shotgun wounds and—OH GOD! OH DEAR G—

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