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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Monster Got Tina

OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors just moments ago. Mounting evidence, including Tina's blood-soaked tank top and the sound of crunching bones and tearing flesh coming from the bushes less than 15 feet away, has dashed all hopes of ever recovering the teenager's remains. As of press time, the monster appears to have finally succumbed to its shotgun wounds and—OH GOD! OH DEAR G—

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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