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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman

RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night. “Everything I’ve done over the past year—the countless hours spent poring over fashion blogs and scrutinizing celebrity gossip magazines—it’s all been in preparation for this moment,” said Kohls, who, after delivering a solid criticism of Sandra Bullock’s color-block Prabal Gurung dress at this year’s Golden Globes, admitted she was going into tonight’s awards show with confidence in her ability to mete out discerning praise or condemnation of the style choices of Hollywood’s elite. “There is so much to take into account for a proper assessment: the gown’s designer, its cut, whether the fabric and color are flattering, hair, makeup, accessories, whether or not the actress is taking a risk or departing from her signature style. It’s tremendous pressure, but after putting in so much time training, I think I’m ready for whatever dazzling ensembles or cringe-worthy fashion disasters come down that red carpet.” After taking a deep breath and telling reporters “it’s showtime,” Kohls was overheard inquiring whether the first actress to arrive at the Dolby Theatre realized this was the goddamn Oscars and not her junior prom.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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