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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mood In Gotham City Rogues Training Camp Upbeat

GOTHAM CITY—At a press conference following Monday's practice, newly appointed Rogues head coach Adam Kewell said the team was feeling cheerfully optimistic about the upcoming season despite the constant reminder of the devastating terrorist attacks that killed thousands in the city last winter. "Obviously football had to take a backseat for a while there, and our thoughts are with all the victims and their families," said Kewell, referring to the bombings that destroyed much of the city's infrastructure and obliterated the field at Gotham Stadium, forcing the Rogues to play home games at Gotham Tech Stadium. "We only have one player left on the roster from last season, but everyone in this organization knows how important football is to the Gotham community, especially this year. If we can help the healing process by winning some football games, then that's exactly what we're going to do." Rogues officials later unveiled the team's new jerseys, which feature 89 black patches commemorating the Gotham City players and coaches who lost their lives during the tragic attacks.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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