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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Moon Finally Hatches

WASHINGTON—Several weeks after discovering unusual fissures on the lunar surface, astronomers confirmed today that the fracturing of the moon had begun to rapidly accelerate. “Cracks in the lunar mantle between craters Tycho and Stevinus have spread and deepened considerably since first detection,” said NASA researcher Marc Robinson, adding that a viscous liquid substance had been observed seeping out from the moon’s core. “It appears as if something is almost purposefully tearing through the layers of rock from the inside.” At press time, the hatchling had sunk its talons into the Earth and flown off.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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