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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Moon Finally Hatches

WASHINGTON—Several weeks after discovering unusual fissures on the lunar surface, astronomers confirmed today that the fracturing of the moon had begun to rapidly accelerate. “Cracks in the lunar mantle between craters Tycho and Stevinus have spread and deepened considerably since first detection,” said NASA researcher Marc Robinson, adding that a viscous liquid substance had been observed seeping out from the moon’s core. “It appears as if something is almost purposefully tearing through the layers of rock from the inside.” At press time, the hatchling had sunk its talons into the Earth and flown off.

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