adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close