More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch

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Vol 46 Issue 28

ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episo...

Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children

BOULDER, CO—"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as Peter. "Trust me, we've lived all over: Sacramento, Reno, Tucson, Dallas, Orlando, northern Mexico for a few weeks, Dallas again, even Alaska. Nowhere else comes close."

Clinton Brought In On Economy

The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation.
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More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch

LOS ANGELES—According to a Los Angeles Times survey published Tuesday, an increasing number of Americans believe undocumented immigrants pose a threat to their favored spot on the couch, with many expressing concern that illegal aliens are "actively plotting" to take their seat as early as the next time they get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom. "I've been sitting on this part of the couch for 40 years, and I'll be damned if some foreigner thinks he can sit down right here where my father sat, and my grand≠father before him," survey respondent Earl Lockwood of Tulsa, OK said. "I earned this spot." The poll also found that a majority of Americans support the recently enacted Arizona law requiring immigrants to present proper identification before calling dibs on a particular seat.

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