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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch

LOS ANGELES—According to a Los Angeles Times survey published Tuesday, an increasing number of Americans believe undocumented immigrants pose a threat to their favored spot on the couch, with many expressing concern that illegal aliens are “actively plotting” to take their seat as early as the next time they get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom. “I’ve been sitting on this part of the couch for 40 years, and I’ll be damned if some foreigner thinks he can sit down right here where my father sat, and my grandfather before him,” survey respondent Earl Lockwood of Tulsa, OK said. “I earned this spot.” The poll also found that a majority of Americans support the recently enacted Arizona law requiring immigrants to present proper identification before calling dibs on a particular seat.

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