adBlockCheck

More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

Top Headlines

Recent News

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the other into a corner and issues an ultimatum. “In the past, a marriage proposal was usually the result of a few months of indirect pressure, but increasingly we’re finding that what convinces a person to tie the knot is a non-negotiable threat to end a years-long relationship,” said NCHS director Charles Rothwell, stating that more individuals are waiting until their partner breaks down in tears and says something along the lines of “I just can’t do this anymore” before asking for their hand in marriage. “Today, the decision to spend your life with someone is frequently made under duress, triggered by the recognition that you will lose this person forever if you don’t say yes to the all-or-nothing choice you have been presented with.” Rothwell added that more often than not, the ultimatums are issued by someone who has just found out yet another close friend from college is getting married.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close