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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the other into a corner and issues an ultimatum. “In the past, a marriage proposal was usually the result of a few months of indirect pressure, but increasingly we’re finding that what convinces a person to tie the knot is a non-negotiable threat to end a years-long relationship,” said NCHS director Charles Rothwell, stating that more individuals are waiting until their partner breaks down in tears and says something along the lines of “I just can’t do this anymore” before asking for their hand in marriage. “Today, the decision to spend your life with someone is frequently made under duress, triggered by the recognition that you will lose this person forever if you don’t say yes to the all-or-nothing choice you have been presented with.” Rothwell added that more often than not, the ultimatums are issued by someone who has just found out yet another close friend from college is getting married.

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