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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins

DURHAM, NC—The number of athletes attempting to achieve increased composure and improved performance in clutch situations by injecting ice water into their veins has risen every year for the past decade, researchers said on Monday. "Contrary to popular belief, ice water only runs naturally through the veins of a very small number of athletes," said Dr. Doug Reynolds of the Duke Sports Medicine Center, citing Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant as benchmark examples of natural ice-water retainers. "Keep in mind that while ice water provides the body with necessary hydration, and is a completely legal substance, there's also a good chance these injections could send the body into an acute state of circulatory shock." Researchers also found that the frequency of subcutaneous Gatorade injections in top athletes has gone down since those commercials aren't on as much as they used to be.

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