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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins

DURHAM, NC—The number of athletes attempting to achieve increased composure and improved performance in clutch situations by injecting ice water into their veins has risen every year for the past decade, researchers said on Monday. "Contrary to popular belief, ice water only runs naturally through the veins of a very small number of athletes," said Dr. Doug Reynolds of the Duke Sports Medicine Center, citing Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant as benchmark examples of natural ice-water retainers. "Keep in mind that while ice water provides the body with necessary hydration, and is a completely legal substance, there's also a good chance these injections could send the body into an acute state of circulatory shock." Researchers also found that the frequency of subcutaneous Gatorade injections in top athletes has gone down since those commercials aren't on as much as they used to be.

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