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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the general public with critical safety information in a timely manner, sources confirmed Wednesday that an increasing number of U.S. cities are now using a text-based alert system to warn Americans who are in the vicinity of an NFL player. “With this new protocol, residents will be advised via text message to take shelter, stay off roads, and exercise extreme caution if they are within close range of any professional football player,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, who praised the new SMS service for delivering prompt alerts to all cellular devices in a 10-mile radius of any linebacker, running back, wide receiver, or offensive lineman. “Citizens in at-risk areas will now hopefully have ample time to take any precautionary measures for their safety and the safety of their families. These situations can arise unexpectedly and often escalate very quickly, so it is paramount to have this type of system in place to keep everyone out of harm’s way.” Reports confirmed, however, that many across the country have opted out of the feature after receiving a near-constant stream of alerts over the past several weeks.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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