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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the general public with critical safety information in a timely manner, sources confirmed Wednesday that an increasing number of U.S. cities are now using a text-based alert system to warn Americans who are in the vicinity of an NFL player. “With this new protocol, residents will be advised via text message to take shelter, stay off roads, and exercise extreme caution if they are within close range of any professional football player,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, who praised the new SMS service for delivering prompt alerts to all cellular devices in a 10-mile radius of any linebacker, running back, wide receiver, or offensive lineman. “Citizens in at-risk areas will now hopefully have ample time to take any precautionary measures for their safety and the safety of their families. These situations can arise unexpectedly and often escalate very quickly, so it is paramount to have this type of system in place to keep everyone out of harm’s way.” Reports confirmed, however, that many across the country have opted out of the feature after receiving a near-constant stream of alerts over the past several weeks.

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