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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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More On Bosh, Wade And LeBron's New Rules For Basketball

The Dome brought you the first look at the new rules for basketball, designed by Heat superstars Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron James who were reportedly "sick of playing basketball the stupid way." But while they've gotten a lot of buzz for replacing shot clocks with strobe lights, putting lions in luxury boxes and making every team eat a whole pizza at halftime, the new rules go further than that.

The Onion Sports Network obtained the original proposal sent to the NBA and immediately ratified by commissioner David Stern who still has not bothered to read them. Check out more of the new rules, written by Bosh, Wade and James, and illustrated by Bosh.

Bosh came up with Rule 8, which allows for the use of ziplines players can ride right to the basket, after learning that rocket shoes were not feasible.

For the handful of teams that weren't disbanded because they sucked or had a stupid logo Lebron didn't like, their best chance of making the postseason is to find the buried treasure chest on Slam Dunk Island that's worth 20 wins and an automatic playoff bid.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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