Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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More Realistic Meat Substitute Made From Soy Raised In Brutally Cruel Conditions

Eighty percent of taste test participants couldn’t tell the difference between regular meat and Greenwood Farms products made from disease-ridden, extremely stressed soybeans, a spokesperson said.
Eighty percent of taste test participants couldn’t tell the difference between regular meat and Greenwood Farms products made from disease-ridden, extremely stressed soybeans, a spokesperson said.

ROCHESTER, MN—Hailing it as the best-tasting and most satisfying such product on the market, vegetarian food manufacturer Greenwood Farms unveiled a more realistic meat substitute Friday made from soy raised in brutally cruel conditions.

According to company spokespeople, the new line of “Nature’s Way” meatless products is made from soybeans grown and harvested in dark, cramped conditions where they suffer maltreatment and neglect from the moment they sprout, giving them a texture and flavor closer to that of factory-farmed beef, pork, and chicken.

“When you sink your teeth into one of our veggie burgers, you’ll know this is the kind of flavor you can only get from soybeans that have never seen actual sunlight.”

“Our vegetarian entrées and meal starters are the most authentically meat-like available on the market, because we make sure our soybeans are raised in filth-caked, overcrowded growing troughs in a windowless facility where daytime temperatures regularly exceed 120 degrees,” said Greenwood Farms marketing director Michael Latimer, adding that the beans’ rich, savory flavor is enhanced by the unsanitary conditions and the regular spread of disease and infection through the crop. “We also make sure our soybeans are pumped so full of a variety of powerful hormones and antibiotics that their growth is boosted far beyond what the plants are capable of naturally, giving our product the same delectable consistency as meat you find at your local grocery store.”

“When you sink your teeth into one of our veggie burgers, you’ll know this is the kind of flavor you can only get from soybeans that have never seen actual sunlight,” he added.

According to Latimer, the confined growing facilities are designed to restrict nearly all of the plants’ heliotropic movement and suppress their natural phytochrome production, which ensures that most of their available energy is dedicated to increasing their lipid-to-protein ratio, giving the beans the succulent, juicy texture of conventional beef or poultry. As a side effect, the soy’s stems are reportedly too weak to support the weight of their growing beans and the plants eventually collapse on themselves, which Latimer cites as a further indication that his company’s products are the most authentically meat-like on the market.

Latimer explained that in order to maximize the number of beans per plot, plants are grown physically touching one another and are left to wallow in the discarded leaves and other fetid waste from their neighbors. Additionally, some young soybean sprouts are confined to pots barely larger than themselves as soon as they emerge, thus inhibiting healthy maturation and keeping them, according to Greenwood Farms’ promotional material, “mouthwateringly tender.”

After the beans are mechanically separated from their pods at an age of only 45 days, Latimer said they are forced into overfilled tractor-trailers, with many being crushed under the weight of thousands of their fellow legumes. The soybeans then reportedly arrive at the processing facility, a steaming hot factory reeking with the stench of rotting bean hulls where every surface is said to be slick with plant effluvia.

“To ensure our product reaches stores when it’s at its most succulent and moist, we rush to dry, shuck, and salt the beans as quickly as possible—meaning that many of them are still alive when they’re ground up in the turbo mills,” Latimer said. “After the soybeans have been completely pulverized, the leftover seed fragments, juices, and slurry that collect in the sluice grates in the facility’s floor are gathered so they can be used as fertilizer to be fed to the next generation of beans.”

“It’s all part of our effort to go that extra mile and make sure our soybeans are treated with as little concern for their well-being and natural development as possible,” Latimer added. “And that’s a difference you can taste.”


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