adBlockCheck

Recent News

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

More Than 1,000 Russians Injured In Freaking Coolest Event Ever

The meteor explosion, which left thousands panicked and injured, was just the coolest thing you could possibly imagine, sources confirmed.
The meteor explosion, which left thousands panicked and injured, was just the coolest thing you could possibly imagine, sources confirmed.

CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA—Following the unexpected arrival of a 10-ton meteor that reportedly broke up above the Russian city of Chelyabinsk early Friday morning, more than 1,000 people have been seriously injured in what sources confirmed was the most awesome fucking thing ever.

The absolutely badass meteor explosion, which authorities claimed left hundreds of Russian men, women, and children in critical condition, sent flaming debris throughout the city’s industrial and residential neighborhoods and is reportedly the most amazing shit you will ever see.

“It was horrible, we were all so scared,” said local woman Anya Zlobin, 48, who was just one of thousands of people who got to look out her window and see a meteor—a goddamned meteor, sources verified—streaking through the sky at balls-out speed like something out of a freaking movie, for God’s sake. “There was a very loud explosion, and then the windows shattered and we were all on the ground. I held my child to my breast and I prayed for it to end.”

“I’m so glad it is over,” added the woman of the absolutely knock-your-socks-off incredible event that could have gone on forever.

According to local authorities, the totally spectacular meteor explosion—God, just those words are fantastic—may have caused millions of dollars in damage, and also, sources reaffirmed repeatedly, was freaking nuts.

Honest to God, just ridiculous, reports indicated.

Additionally, Russian officials said the meteor explosion reduced to rubble a local zinc factory, numerous homes, and, reportedly, so many other things that can’t even be adequately described in this news story, you just have to watch the video, it’s amazing.

“Since the meteor hit, hundreds of wounded have been streaming through our doors, many with terrible disfigurements,” said Dr. Evgeny Prokhorov, a lucky man who was able to witness the jaw-droppingly cool event in person. “There are more people coming in every minute, and we simply don’t have the capacity to treat them all.”

At press time, the tragic event is all over YouTube and needs to be seen to be believed, seriously.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close