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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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More Than 1,000 Russians Injured In Freaking Coolest Event Ever

The meteor explosion, which left thousands panicked and injured, was just the coolest thing you could possibly imagine, sources confirmed.
The meteor explosion, which left thousands panicked and injured, was just the coolest thing you could possibly imagine, sources confirmed.

CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA—Following the unexpected arrival of a 10-ton meteor that reportedly broke up above the Russian city of Chelyabinsk early Friday morning, more than 1,000 people have been seriously injured in what sources confirmed was the most awesome fucking thing ever.

The absolutely badass meteor explosion, which authorities claimed left hundreds of Russian men, women, and children in critical condition, sent flaming debris throughout the city’s industrial and residential neighborhoods and is reportedly the most amazing shit you will ever see.

“It was horrible, we were all so scared,” said local woman Anya Zlobin, 48, who was just one of thousands of people who got to look out her window and see a meteor—a goddamned meteor, sources verified—streaking through the sky at balls-out speed like something out of a freaking movie, for God’s sake. “There was a very loud explosion, and then the windows shattered and we were all on the ground. I held my child to my breast and I prayed for it to end.”

“I’m so glad it is over,” added the woman of the absolutely knock-your-socks-off incredible event that could have gone on forever.

According to local authorities, the totally spectacular meteor explosion—God, just those words are fantastic—may have caused millions of dollars in damage, and also, sources reaffirmed repeatedly, was freaking nuts.

Honest to God, just ridiculous, reports indicated.

Additionally, Russian officials said the meteor explosion reduced to rubble a local zinc factory, numerous homes, and, reportedly, so many other things that can’t even be adequately described in this news story, you just have to watch the video, it’s amazing.

“Since the meteor hit, hundreds of wounded have been streaming through our doors, many with terrible disfigurements,” said Dr. Evgeny Prokhorov, a lucky man who was able to witness the jaw-droppingly cool event in person. “There are more people coming in every minute, and we simply don’t have the capacity to treat them all.”

At press time, the tragic event is all over YouTube and needs to be seen to be believed, seriously.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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