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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence

ALBUQUERQUE—Police are still not investigating a burglary at the Watson Avenue apartment of George Kinney, who reported the theft of more than 300 CDRs, with an estimated value of $32. "It looks like the bastard dropped down onto my back balcony from the neighbor's roof," Kinney said Monday. "Goddammit. I spent hours burning all those CDs." Kinney was the victim of a similar crime in June 2001, when someone broke into his YMCA locker and stole his Diet Pepsi Twist promotional duffel bag, which contained a copy of USA Today.

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