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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative

AMES, IA—Leading agriculturalists reported Wednesday that many vegetables, including carrots, eggplants, and zucchini are evolving rich, creamy chocolate centers in order to ensure their survival as a species. "A crop must adapt to changes in the food-consumption environment and develop traits that encourage the plant's cultivation and consumption," said Professor Gavin Tibald of Iowa State Univer-sity, showing off a recently discovered variety of beet that releases carbonated sugar water when its skin is pierced. "If a species doesn't entice farmers and consumers with an ooey, gooey goodness, it will die off and be replaced by a plant that does." A similar phenomenon was observed last year when Danish fishermen discovered a species of scallop that appeared to have perpetuated itself by growing a thick layer of bacon around its body.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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