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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative

AMES, IA—Leading agriculturalists reported Wednesday that many vegetables, including carrots, eggplants, and zucchini are evolving rich, creamy chocolate centers in order to ensure their survival as a species. "A crop must adapt to changes in the food-consumption environment and develop traits that encourage the plant's cultivation and consumption," said Professor Gavin Tibald of Iowa State Univer-sity, showing off a recently discovered variety of beet that releases carbonated sugar water when its skin is pierced. "If a species doesn't entice farmers and consumers with an ooey, gooey goodness, it will die off and be replaced by a plant that does." A similar phenomenon was observed last year when Danish fishermen discovered a species of scallop that appeared to have perpetuated itself by growing a thick layer of bacon around its body.

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