Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

Top Headlines

Local

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Fantasy Sports

Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

WEST JORDAN, UT–The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an "extremely disturbing" incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

The allergy medication that caused a sinful reaction in Mormon youth Enoch Zachariah Young (inset).

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God's true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy's mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy's allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

At approximately 8 a.m., while refilling the pamphlet rack at a local grocery store before school, Young said he began to experience a runny nose, itchy throat, and severe headache. Fearing the symptoms would cause him to miss that afternoon's tryouts for the school play, The Reign And Ministry Of Nephi, he purchased a box of Benadryl® and took the recommended two tablets.

Several hours later, shortly before English class at West Jordan High School, Young succumbed to temptation and took yet another Benadryl®. For the next four hours, the youth exhibited signs of severely lowered inhibitions, sparking "rampant chaos and terror" among his fellow Saints at the all-Mormon public school.

"A few of the children began to notice that something was seriously wrong with Enoch around noon," said math teacher Elder Ezra Fielding Widstoe. "Apparently, he told a female classmate that he liked her dress. Then he asked if anyone had any gum."

An hour later, on the way to the pencil sharpener, Young performed what students described as "a little dance." It is assumed that Young's intent was to amuse his classmates, who were quietly working at their desks at the time.

Young's outrageous behavior escalated over the next several hours. Witnesses reported that, while crossing the street from school to the temple to attend afternoon religious classes, Young removed his sweater vest. As his final manic act before classmates alerted officials, Young held up a prayer book featuring a picture of Joseph Smith, founding prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and referred to him "Good Ol' Joe."

"Impropriety such as this among the covenant people of the Lord!" exclaimed classmate John W. Pritchett, who witnessed the wild behavior firsthand. "This is hardly the sort of conduct that is appropriate for an heir to the ancient covenant between God and Abraham."

According to Mormon officials, The Word Of Wisdom, the prophetic Latter-Day Saints health code given by revelation in 1833, prohibits the use of tobacco, strong drink, tea, and coffee. While the use of Benadryl® is not specifically discussed in the gospel, church elders believe that the drug is prohibited due to its dangerous mood-altering side effects, including nervousness, excitability, and drowsiness.

Upon learning of their son's antics, Young's parents rushed to school to participate in an intervention attended by the school principal, his guidance counselor, and a group of five church leaders.

As Young lay on a cot, his sisters and brethren prayed in a circle around him. He then further shocked the assemblage by stating, "I've always found the The Book Of Helaman kind of boring," before falling into a deep sleep.

Young is currently recovering at the home of his family's patriarch, 91-year-old great-grandfather Joachim Jeremias Young. Further information about his condition is not available, as Joachim Jeremias declined to speak to "the secular press."