adBlockCheck

Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

WEST JORDAN, UT–The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an "extremely disturbing" incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

The allergy medication that caused a sinful reaction in Mormon youth Enoch Zachariah Young (inset).

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God's true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy's mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy's allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

At approximately 8 a.m., while refilling the pamphlet rack at a local grocery store before school, Young said he began to experience a runny nose, itchy throat, and severe headache. Fearing the symptoms would cause him to miss that afternoon's tryouts for the school play, The Reign And Ministry Of Nephi, he purchased a box of Benadryl® and took the recommended two tablets.

Several hours later, shortly before English class at West Jordan High School, Young succumbed to temptation and took yet another Benadryl®. For the next four hours, the youth exhibited signs of severely lowered inhibitions, sparking "rampant chaos and terror" among his fellow Saints at the all-Mormon public school.

"A few of the children began to notice that something was seriously wrong with Enoch around noon," said math teacher Elder Ezra Fielding Widstoe. "Apparently, he told a female classmate that he liked her dress. Then he asked if anyone had any gum."

An hour later, on the way to the pencil sharpener, Young performed what students described as "a little dance." It is assumed that Young's intent was to amuse his classmates, who were quietly working at their desks at the time.

Young's outrageous behavior escalated over the next several hours. Witnesses reported that, while crossing the street from school to the temple to attend afternoon religious classes, Young removed his sweater vest. As his final manic act before classmates alerted officials, Young held up a prayer book featuring a picture of Joseph Smith, founding prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and referred to him "Good Ol' Joe."

"Impropriety such as this among the covenant people of the Lord!" exclaimed classmate John W. Pritchett, who witnessed the wild behavior firsthand. "This is hardly the sort of conduct that is appropriate for an heir to the ancient covenant between God and Abraham."

According to Mormon officials, The Word Of Wisdom, the prophetic Latter-Day Saints health code given by revelation in 1833, prohibits the use of tobacco, strong drink, tea, and coffee. While the use of Benadryl® is not specifically discussed in the gospel, church elders believe that the drug is prohibited due to its dangerous mood-altering side effects, including nervousness, excitability, and drowsiness.

Upon learning of their son's antics, Young's parents rushed to school to participate in an intervention attended by the school principal, his guidance counselor, and a group of five church leaders.

As Young lay on a cot, his sisters and brethren prayed in a circle around him. He then further shocked the assemblage by stating, "I've always found the The Book Of Helaman kind of boring," before falling into a deep sleep.

Young is currently recovering at the home of his family's patriarch, 91-year-old great-grandfather Joachim Jeremias Young. Further information about his condition is not available, as Joachim Jeremias declined to speak to "the secular press."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close