Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

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Vol 36 Issue 24

Secretary Pretty Sure Vending-Machine Guy Is That Uncaptured Serial Rapist

MONROE, MI–Midwest Heating & Air Conditioning secretary Liz Boorstein said Monday she is "almost positive" that the United Vending Services worker who comes by once a month to refill the break-room snack machine is the serial rapist reported on the loose in the area. "Don't you go in there alone if he's in there," Boorstein, 40, warned co-worker Jen Rall. "He looks just like the guy in the police sketch they had on the news. And once, he gave me this really weird look when he was putting in the Kit-Kats." In May, Boorstein was "100 percent sure" that a small hole in one of the ladies' room stalls was the work of a "Midwest Heating & Air-Conditioning peeping tom."

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Local Play Well-Attended By Friends, Family

WOONSOCKET, RI–The Woonsocket Community Players' summer production of The Music Man drew 200 friends and relatives of the cast to the Woonsocket Community Center Monday. "Rebecca sang so beautifully," said Eunice Banks, grandmother of Rebecca Stevens, who played Marian in the production. "And everyone else did a wonderful job." Similar accolades were lavished on the play by the sister of the pianist, the college roommate of the actor playing Mayor Shinn, and Woonsocket Register editor Edward Roth, whose wife costumed the play.

Trouble Again In TV's Africa

ATLANTA–Once again, trouble is brewing in TV's Africa, it was reported Monday on CNN, the network that airs the long-running continent. "In last night's episode of Headline News, there was major civil unrest in Mozambique," said viewer Larry Cronin of Peekskill, NY. "One of the characters, this insane guy called General Abuye, was waving this huge machete in front of a burning village. It was crazy. But then there was this really sad part, where this whole refugee camp full of AIDS-infected orphans were starving. I wonder what'll happen tonight." Africa, TV's 17th-rated geographic area this season, has not been number one in the News Nielsens since 1985, the year the Bob Geldof-hosted "Live Aid Airlift" season finale drew a record 45 million viewers.

Leather-Jacketed Congressman Makes Up His Own Rules

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Rep. Vinnie Abruzzo (I-NY), the greasy-haired, leather-jacketed legislator who joined Congress in January 1999, is fast earning a reputation as a man who makes up his own rules. "Just yesterday, Vinnie introduced H.R. 4673, which would amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide for the establishment of medical security accounts for individuals who are 40 or older," said Rep. Howard Coble (R-NC). "When he did that, we were all like, 'Whoa, this guy's got his own set of laws he's making up here.' If we don't like it, I guess we could vote 'Nay,' but I don't know if that'd be such a good idea."

The Dot-Com Fallout

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Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To

I've always thought of myself as a creative guy. Whenever my friends in the Star Wars novel-reading club schedule a Sunday-night Star Wars viewing party, I like to get into the spirit of things by dressing up in a theme outfit. And, of course, a big part of the excitement is dressing up my pet Cocker Spaniel, Nikto, as a character from the films or expanded universe, too.
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Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

WEST JORDAN, UT–The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an "extremely disturbing" incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

The allergy medication that caused a sinful reaction in Mormon youth Enoch Zachariah Young (inset).

"You hear about things like this happening in non-LDS communities, but I never thought it could happen to one of God's true elect, to one of our own," Ruth Mary Young, the boy's mother, told reporters from the Mormon News Network cable channel. "The poor boy's allergies act up so bad during these hot desert summers here in the Chosen Land, and I guess he let temptation get the better of him."

"May Jesus Christ, and his prophet on Earth, Joseph Smith, have mercy on his immortal soul," added Young before collapsing in tears.

At approximately 8 a.m., while refilling the pamphlet rack at a local grocery store before school, Young said he began to experience a runny nose, itchy throat, and severe headache. Fearing the symptoms would cause him to miss that afternoon's tryouts for the school play, The Reign And Ministry Of Nephi, he purchased a box of Benadryl® and took the recommended two tablets.

Several hours later, shortly before English class at West Jordan High School, Young succumbed to temptation and took yet another Benadryl®. For the next four hours, the youth exhibited signs of severely lowered inhibitions, sparking "rampant chaos and terror" among his fellow Saints at the all-Mormon public school.

"A few of the children began to notice that something was seriously wrong with Enoch around noon," said math teacher Elder Ezra Fielding Widstoe. "Apparently, he told a female classmate that he liked her dress. Then he asked if anyone had any gum."

An hour later, on the way to the pencil sharpener, Young performed what students described as "a little dance." It is assumed that Young's intent was to amuse his classmates, who were quietly working at their desks at the time.

Young's outrageous behavior escalated over the next several hours. Witnesses reported that, while crossing the street from school to the temple to attend afternoon religious classes, Young removed his sweater vest. As his final manic act before classmates alerted officials, Young held up a prayer book featuring a picture of Joseph Smith, founding prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and referred to him "Good Ol' Joe."

"Impropriety such as this among the covenant people of the Lord!" exclaimed classmate John W. Pritchett, who witnessed the wild behavior firsthand. "This is hardly the sort of conduct that is appropriate for an heir to the ancient covenant between God and Abraham."

According to Mormon officials, The Word Of Wisdom, the prophetic Latter-Day Saints health code given by revelation in 1833, prohibits the use of tobacco, strong drink, tea, and coffee. While the use of Benadryl® is not specifically discussed in the gospel, church elders believe that the drug is prohibited due to its dangerous mood-altering side effects, including nervousness, excitability, and drowsiness.

Upon learning of their son's antics, Young's parents rushed to school to participate in an intervention attended by the school principal, his guidance counselor, and a group of five church leaders.

As Young lay on a cot, his sisters and brethren prayed in a circle around him. He then further shocked the assemblage by stating, "I've always found the The Book Of Helaman kind of boring," before falling into a deep sleep.

Young is currently recovering at the home of his family's patriarch, 91-year-old great-grandfather Joachim Jeremias Young. Further information about his condition is not available, as Joachim Jeremias declined to speak to "the secular press."

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