‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Mosquito Confronts Partner After Testing Positive For Zika

RIO DE JANEIRO—Lashing out at her significant other the moment he arrived home at their stagnant puddle of water, an Aedes aegypti mosquito angrily confronted her partner Thursday after testing positive for the Zika virus. “Listen, you’re my only mate, so if I have Zika it’s because you fucking bred with another female who had it,” said the 12-day-old insect, adding that because of her mate’s betrayal, she was now deeply worried about the possibility of spawning hundreds of offspring with microcephaly. “It’s bad enough you cheated, but then you went and brought that whore’s disease home to me? How could you?” Despite her anger, the mosquito went on to say that while it would be difficult, she wasn’t yet ready to give up on the 72-hour relationship.

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