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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Mosquito Confronts Partner After Testing Positive For Zika

RIO DE JANEIRO—Lashing out at her significant other the moment he arrived home at their stagnant puddle of water, an Aedes aegypti mosquito angrily confronted her partner Thursday after testing positive for the Zika virus. “Listen, you’re my only mate, so if I have Zika it’s because you fucking bred with another female who had it,” said the 12-day-old insect, adding that because of her mate’s betrayal, she was now deeply worried about the possibility of spawning hundreds of offspring with microcephaly. “It’s bad enough you cheated, but then you went and brought that whore’s disease home to me? How could you?” Despite her anger, the mosquito went on to say that while it would be difficult, she wasn’t yet ready to give up on the 72-hour relationship.

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