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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, mosquitoes have no physiological reason to bite humans, and in fact do so only out of spite. "For years, entomologists assumed members of the Culicidae family drew blood for sustenance, but as it turns out, they feed almost exclusively on pollen," said study author Dr. Robert Benenson, who explained the sociopathic insects either spit out human blood immediately after they bite, or else carry it from person to person, gratuitously killing millions as they spread diseases like malaria and dengue fever. "While there is literally zero biological necessity for their bloodsucking behavior, mosquitoes enjoy putting a damper on our outdoor activities and expend tremendous energy spreading deadly pestilence throughout the world. They just really, really hate us." Benenson noted that mosquitoes bite a variety of vertebrates besides humans and are especially fond of leaving itchy patches on the skin of baby pandas, koala bears, and very small puppies.

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