adBlockCheck

Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table

This heartbreaking image is pretty tough to look at.
This heartbreaking image is pretty tough to look at.

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant’s future is being discussed over a tiny Formica table at a national coffee shop chain, sources can now confirm that the most depressing job interview you could possibly imagine is currently being conducted within a local Starbucks.

The breathtakingly sad interview, which many speculate is for an entry-level position at a small nonprofit organization, was made even more depressing when reports indicated that the female job applicant in her early to mid-20s seemed visibly eager to impress her interviewer, a man who conducts his job interviews at a Starbucks.

“Thanks for meeting me here,” said the middle-aged man, who went on to explain that the “fulfilling” job pays little money and doesn’t include health insurance for at least the first eight months of employment. “It says here you went to Notre Dame. What was that like?”

“Ultimately, we’re looking for motivated people who can think fast on their feet and are up to any challenge,” the man added while a Josh Groban song played over a storewide speaker and seven people lined up three feet away to use the bathroom.

Following the interviewer’s description of the “rewarding work” and “character-building opportunities,” sources confirmed that the interviewee, who was the only individual in the establishment wearing professional attire, went on to describe her work experience and career aspirations in front of approximately two dozen café patrons and Starbucks employees.

Reports indicate that the interview reached a new level of despair when a Starbucks patron interrupted the meeting and asked the job applicant if he could take the unused seat next to her back to his table.

“Obviously, I’d be thrilled to be involved with an organization like this,” said the interviewee, who had been seen aimlessly milling about the outdoor commercial plaza that houses the coffee shop for approximately 45 minutes prior to the interview. “I’m sure you’re seeing a lot of candidates, but I’d like to think I can bring something to the table that you can’t get from anyone else.”

“I honestly feel that this could be a great chance for me to grow both personally and professionally,” added the woman, whose earnestness juxtaposed with the Starbucks employee sweeping around her feet was, sources noted, absolutely heartbreaking.

According to witnesses, while the interview itself was completely and utterly pathetic, the moments leading up to it were equally depressing, with the job applicant having difficulty identifying her interviewer when she first entered the Starbucks and asking another man if he was Jim Oswald. In addition, when the two ultimately found one another, the awkward small talk they engaged in while waiting in line to order coffee was reportedly a tragic spectacle, to say the least.

Other unbearably bleak and humiliating features of the interview included the amount of muffin crumbs that needed to be wiped to the ground before the two sat down and the homeless people within earshot who were talking incoherently about a range of subjects.

Official records also confirmed that job interviews don’t break your fucking heart when they are conducted in an office as opposed to what is essentially a fast-food restaurant.

“What are your hobbies?” the interviewer asked as the frequently opened front door blasted the two with another gust of cold air. “People who have varied interests tend to thrive in this environment.”

“And professional growth will be necessary, because in a couple of years I plan to aggressively expand what we do,” said the man who was sitting under a neon green Starbucks logo.

At press time, the interview participants were shaking hands, with the man saying he had several more interviews to conduct that day—presumptively within the same Starbucks—and that he’d “hopefully be in touch.”

Fucking devastating, reports confirmed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close