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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table

This heartbreaking image is pretty tough to look at.
This heartbreaking image is pretty tough to look at.

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant’s future is being discussed over a tiny Formica table at a national coffee shop chain, sources can now confirm that the most depressing job interview you could possibly imagine is currently being conducted within a local Starbucks.

The breathtakingly sad interview, which many speculate is for an entry-level position at a small nonprofit organization, was made even more depressing when reports indicated that the female job applicant in her early to mid-20s seemed visibly eager to impress her interviewer, a man who conducts his job interviews at a Starbucks.

“Thanks for meeting me here,” said the middle-aged man, who went on to explain that the “fulfilling” job pays little money and doesn’t include health insurance for at least the first eight months of employment. “It says here you went to Notre Dame. What was that like?”

“Ultimately, we’re looking for motivated people who can think fast on their feet and are up to any challenge,” the man added while a Josh Groban song played over a storewide speaker and seven people lined up three feet away to use the bathroom.

Following the interviewer’s description of the “rewarding work” and “character-building opportunities,” sources confirmed that the interviewee, who was the only individual in the establishment wearing professional attire, went on to describe her work experience and career aspirations in front of approximately two dozen café patrons and Starbucks employees.

Reports indicate that the interview reached a new level of despair when a Starbucks patron interrupted the meeting and asked the job applicant if he could take the unused seat next to her back to his table.

“Obviously, I’d be thrilled to be involved with an organization like this,” said the interviewee, who had been seen aimlessly milling about the outdoor commercial plaza that houses the coffee shop for approximately 45 minutes prior to the interview. “I’m sure you’re seeing a lot of candidates, but I’d like to think I can bring something to the table that you can’t get from anyone else.”

“I honestly feel that this could be a great chance for me to grow both personally and professionally,” added the woman, whose earnestness juxtaposed with the Starbucks employee sweeping around her feet was, sources noted, absolutely heartbreaking.

According to witnesses, while the interview itself was completely and utterly pathetic, the moments leading up to it were equally depressing, with the job applicant having difficulty identifying her interviewer when she first entered the Starbucks and asking another man if he was Jim Oswald. In addition, when the two ultimately found one another, the awkward small talk they engaged in while waiting in line to order coffee was reportedly a tragic spectacle, to say the least.

Other unbearably bleak and humiliating features of the interview included the amount of muffin crumbs that needed to be wiped to the ground before the two sat down and the homeless people within earshot who were talking incoherently about a range of subjects.

Official records also confirmed that job interviews don’t break your fucking heart when they are conducted in an office as opposed to what is essentially a fast-food restaurant.

“What are your hobbies?” the interviewer asked as the frequently opened front door blasted the two with another gust of cold air. “People who have varied interests tend to thrive in this environment.”

“And professional growth will be necessary, because in a couple of years I plan to aggressively expand what we do,” said the man who was sitting under a neon green Starbucks logo.

At press time, the interview participants were shaking hands, with the man saying he had several more interviews to conduct that day—presumptively within the same Starbucks—and that he’d “hopefully be in touch.”

Fucking devastating, reports confirmed.

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