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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Most Items At Garage Sale Haunted

CARBONDALE, PA—According to area bargain hunters, the majority of the dusty, cobweb-covered items at local resident Kelly Moore's garage sale Sunday appeared to possess supernatural qualities.

"When I picked up that Ronco juicer, I felt a strange, ominous presence," said neighbor Lucinda O'Brien, who admitted that she could not pass up a deal on a Herb Alpert LP despite its having a "spooky aura" about it. "Mark my words, some very dark things went on involving most of this bric-a-brac. That green vase seems okay, but it has a crack in it."

Moore said she's had relatively few complaints from her customers, though browser David Firth, 52, was reportedly torn limb from limb and had his heart devoured by Demogorgon, a demon from the seventh level of hell that had taken up residence inside a shoe tree.

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