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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Most Items At Garage Sale Haunted

CARBONDALE, PA—According to area bargain hunters, the majority of the dusty, cobweb-covered items at local resident Kelly Moore's garage sale Sunday appeared to possess supernatural qualities.

"When I picked up that Ronco juicer, I felt a strange, ominous presence," said neighbor Lucinda O'Brien, who admitted that she could not pass up a deal on a Herb Alpert LP despite its having a "spooky aura" about it. "Mark my words, some very dark things went on involving most of this bric-a-brac. That green vase seems okay, but it has a crack in it."

Moore said she's had relatively few complaints from her customers, though browser David Firth, 52, was reportedly torn limb from limb and had his heart devoured by Demogorgon, a demon from the seventh level of hell that had taken up residence inside a shoe tree.

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