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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Most Thrilling Playoffs In Recent Memory Unfortunately Happen In Hockey

PHILADELPHIA—The most riveting, nail-biting, and story-laden playoff series in the past several years of professional sports had the misfortune of reaching its amazing overtime finish in the sport of hockey Wednesday night, as the Blackhawks defeated the Flyers to win the NHL's championship series 4-2. "To see a team that was 14th out of 15 teams in its conference a few months ago not only make the playoffs, but advance to the final by coming back from three games down, was really a shame," said ESPN's Bill Simmons, who spent the evening preparing for Thursday's Lakers-Celtics game and did not watch the hockey finals. "And when the barnstorming Chicago team hoisted that trophy, ending its championship drought with an overtime win on the road, I felt sick to my stomach that it wasn't the Cubs and the World Series trophy." The NHL playoffs also saw Montreal goalie Jaroslav Halak stop 131 of 134 scoring attempts over three games in a superhuman defensive effort that was tragically not put forth by the Baltimore Ravens.

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