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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly

PATERSON, NJ—Family sources told reporters Tuesday that local mother Karen Burkhart came fairly close to using the term “streaming” correctly during a recent conversation. “She likes that Orange Is The New Black show and told us that she started ‘stream-watching’ a couple of episodes,” said daughter Melanie Burkhart, who was reportedly surprised by her mother’s nearly accurate usage of the technical jargon. “I thought, wow, she actually got really close to the actual meaning of the word. She almost nailed it. And this is the woman who asked if the internet was as good as the online. It’s certainly the most precise she’s been in a long time.” At press time, Burkhart’s children decided to give it to her, claiming that she got close enough.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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