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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly

PATERSON, NJ—Family sources told reporters Tuesday that local mother Karen Burkhart came fairly close to using the term “streaming” correctly during a recent conversation. “She likes that Orange Is The New Black show and told us that she started ‘stream-watching’ a couple of episodes,” said daughter Melanie Burkhart, who was reportedly surprised by her mother’s nearly accurate usage of the technical jargon. “I thought, wow, she actually got really close to the actual meaning of the word. She almost nailed it. And this is the woman who asked if the internet was as good as the online. It’s certainly the most precise she’s been in a long time.” At press time, Burkhart’s children decided to give it to her, claiming that she got close enough.

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