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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly

PATERSON, NJ—Family sources told reporters Tuesday that local mother Karen Burkhart came fairly close to using the term “streaming” correctly during a recent conversation. “She likes that Orange Is The New Black show and told us that she started ‘stream-watching’ a couple of episodes,” said daughter Melanie Burkhart, who was reportedly surprised by her mother’s nearly accurate usage of the technical jargon. “I thought, wow, she actually got really close to the actual meaning of the word. She almost nailed it. And this is the woman who asked if the internet was as good as the online. It’s certainly the most precise she’s been in a long time.” At press time, Burkhart’s children decided to give it to her, claiming that she got close enough.

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