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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova'

NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is already turning into “quite the little Casanova.” “Well! Just take a look at this heartbreaker we’ve got on our hands here,” the proud mother said to a visiting group of neighbors as her “adorable” son Thomas entered the kitchen to pour himself a glass of apple juice. “He’s just a sweet little guy now, but once he gets bigger, those ladies better watch out! This precious Romeo’s going to have all sorts of girlfriends.” At press time, sources confirmed the pint-sized Lothario had wandered upstairs to try on some of his mother’s dresses.

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