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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova'

NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is already turning into “quite the little Casanova.” “Well! Just take a look at this heartbreaker we’ve got on our hands here,” the proud mother said to a visiting group of neighbors as her “adorable” son Thomas entered the kitchen to pour himself a glass of apple juice. “He’s just a sweet little guy now, but once he gets bigger, those ladies better watch out! This precious Romeo’s going to have all sorts of girlfriends.” At press time, sources confirmed the pint-sized Lothario had wandered upstairs to try on some of his mother’s dresses.

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