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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova'

NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is already turning into “quite the little Casanova.” “Well! Just take a look at this heartbreaker we’ve got on our hands here,” the proud mother said to a visiting group of neighbors as her “adorable” son Thomas entered the kitchen to pour himself a glass of apple juice. “He’s just a sweet little guy now, but once he gets bigger, those ladies better watch out! This precious Romeo’s going to have all sorts of girlfriends.” At press time, sources confirmed the pint-sized Lothario had wandered upstairs to try on some of his mother’s dresses.

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