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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base

MACON, GA—Saying that while she’s proud of her son’s decision to join the Army and knows that he is serving his country with honor, area mother Diane Brockmeyer told reporters Thursday she lives in constant fear knowing that her 24-year-old son, Pfc. Daniel Brockmeyer, is stationed at a military base in the United States. “I know that Daniel is extremely well-prepared and has specifically trained for dangerous scenarios, but I just can’t relax knowing he’s out there serving at a potentially volatile domestic Army facility day in and day out,” Brockmeyer said, adding that while emails and Skype calls with her eldest child assuage her anxieties in the short term, she continues to lose sleep over the knowledge that a typical day for him could turn deadly at any moment. “Keeping busy helps, and talking with other parents whose kids are stationed at bases throughout the country can provide some relief, too. But you read the paper and hear the awful stories and you can’t help but worry. There are just so many crazed, violent people out there who want to see harm come to American soldiers. I just want him to come home.” Brockmeyer added that she looks forward to the day when Daniel will be back in his hometown, able to walk freely down the street, pick up his children at school, and enjoy going to the movies with friends, secure in the knowledge that nothing will threaten him there.

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