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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base

MACON, GA—Saying that while she’s proud of her son’s decision to join the Army and knows that he is serving his country with honor, area mother Diane Brockmeyer told reporters Thursday she lives in constant fear knowing that her 24-year-old son, Pfc. Daniel Brockmeyer, is stationed at a military base in the United States. “I know that Daniel is extremely well-prepared and has specifically trained for dangerous scenarios, but I just can’t relax knowing he’s out there serving at a potentially volatile domestic Army facility day in and day out,” Brockmeyer said, adding that while emails and Skype calls with her eldest child assuage her anxieties in the short term, she continues to lose sleep over the knowledge that a typical day for him could turn deadly at any moment. “Keeping busy helps, and talking with other parents whose kids are stationed at bases throughout the country can provide some relief, too. But you read the paper and hear the awful stories and you can’t help but worry. There are just so many crazed, violent people out there who want to see harm come to American soldiers. I just want him to come home.” Brockmeyer added that she looks forward to the day when Daniel will be back in his hometown, able to walk freely down the street, pick up his children at school, and enjoy going to the movies with friends, secure in the knowledge that nothing will threaten him there.

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