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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base

MACON, GA—Saying that while she’s proud of her son’s decision to join the Army and knows that he is serving his country with honor, area mother Diane Brockmeyer told reporters Thursday she lives in constant fear knowing that her 24-year-old son, Pfc. Daniel Brockmeyer, is stationed at a military base in the United States. “I know that Daniel is extremely well-prepared and has specifically trained for dangerous scenarios, but I just can’t relax knowing he’s out there serving at a potentially volatile domestic Army facility day in and day out,” Brockmeyer said, adding that while emails and Skype calls with her eldest child assuage her anxieties in the short term, she continues to lose sleep over the knowledge that a typical day for him could turn deadly at any moment. “Keeping busy helps, and talking with other parents whose kids are stationed at bases throughout the country can provide some relief, too. But you read the paper and hear the awful stories and you can’t help but worry. There are just so many crazed, violent people out there who want to see harm come to American soldiers. I just want him to come home.” Brockmeyer added that she looks forward to the day when Daniel will be back in his hometown, able to walk freely down the street, pick up his children at school, and enjoy going to the movies with friends, secure in the knowledge that nothing will threaten him there.

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