adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mother, Daughter Exchange Encoded Menstruation-Related Message Over Dinner Table

SCRANTON, PA–Jodi Eckhardt, 15, and her mother Colleen covertly communicated a top-secret menses-related message across the dinner table Monday, averting the suspicion of the three male Eckhardts seated at the table. "What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Colleen, noticing her daughter's uneaten chimichanga casserole. "Does your stomach hurt this week?" "Yeah," Jodi replied sullenly. "And we're in our swimming unit in gym, too." Colleen excused her daughter from the table and, getting her purse from the counter, produced a bottle of pills, stealthily shielding the label from Marc, 14, and David, 11.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close