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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Mother, Daughter Exchange Encoded Menstruation-Related Message Over Dinner Table

SCRANTON, PA–Jodi Eckhardt, 15, and her mother Colleen covertly communicated a top-secret menses-related message across the dinner table Monday, averting the suspicion of the three male Eckhardts seated at the table. "What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Colleen, noticing her daughter's uneaten chimichanga casserole. "Does your stomach hurt this week?" "Yeah," Jodi replied sullenly. "And we're in our swimming unit in gym, too." Colleen excused her daughter from the table and, getting her purse from the counter, produced a bottle of pills, stealthily shielding the label from Marc, 14, and David, 11.

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