adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open

CINCINNATI—Stressing that the 26-year-old still has “plenty of time to figure everything out,” Tina Dalton, mother of Bengals starting quarterback Andy Dalton, reportedly encouraged her son Monday to keep his career options open for the next few years. “At your age, it’s important to just keep trying new things to see what you like and don’t like,” Dalton told her son, adding that while it’s “really great” that he enjoys his current job, the third-year quarterback should avoid becoming stuck in a career that ultimately may not be the right fit for him. “You’re only in your mid-20s, so just keep an open mind toward any opportunities that might come along, especially ones that actually offer a long-term future. Remember that your cousin Ethan worked in business for five years before going to law school, and now he couldn’t be happier.” Sources also confirmed that Dalton advised her son not to become too attached to Cincinnati, saying that no one would ever want to settle down and live there for more than a few years.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close