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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open

CINCINNATI—Stressing that the 26-year-old still has “plenty of time to figure everything out,” Tina Dalton, mother of Bengals starting quarterback Andy Dalton, reportedly encouraged her son Monday to keep his career options open for the next few years. “At your age, it’s important to just keep trying new things to see what you like and don’t like,” Dalton told her son, adding that while it’s “really great” that he enjoys his current job, the third-year quarterback should avoid becoming stuck in a career that ultimately may not be the right fit for him. “You’re only in your mid-20s, so just keep an open mind toward any opportunities that might come along, especially ones that actually offer a long-term future. Remember that your cousin Ethan worked in business for five years before going to law school, and now he couldn’t be happier.” Sources also confirmed that Dalton advised her son not to become too attached to Cincinnati, saying that no one would ever want to settle down and live there for more than a few years.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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