Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season

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Vol 49 Issue 37

Out That Innie!

Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Cash and prizes are awarded to contestants who, through a combination of holding their breath and clenching really hard, are able to push their belly buttons out.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games: Jets at Patriots OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Pat...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season

LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,” local mother Sandra Bedo told reporters today that she regularly experiences an intense, violent compulsion to festoon her home’s front doorway in decorations that reflect the visual traditions of the current season.“God damn it, I need dry corn stalks now—where are the dry corn stalks?” the 46-year-old mother of three said with a pinecone between her teeth, frantically stringing miniature gourds along twine for a harvest garland. “October is almost here and I need a fucking cornucopia of berries and Indian corn to go at the base of the door next to the pumpkin cluster with the paper cutout of the scarecrow that will look darling leaning against the foliage wreath. Son of a bitch, this feels good! I feel alive!” At press time, Bedo—who claimed to be “propelled by a force far larger and more powerful” than herself—was physically shaking as she purchased a doormat with a cartoon pilgrim on it at a local craft store.

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