After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Mother Ferries 4 More Shirt Options Back To Son In Gap Dressing Room

COLONIE, NY—Ensuring that her latest selections included a variety of sizes and styles, local mother Melissa Garlington ferried four more shirt options back to her 14-year-old son waiting in a local Gap dressing room this weekend, sources confirmed. “I got a medium and a large of each one because I wasn’t sure which you’d be,” said Garlington, who then reportedly stood outside the stall as her son periodically cracked the door open to pass back the options he did not want. “I also got you a navy polo, but then I thought you’d look handsome in this nice green one, so try them both on. What about the shorts I brought back earlier—did they feel too tight around the waist? Make sure to sit down in them too.” After confirming which options her son wanted to buy, Garlington then reportedly instructed him to change back into his old clothes while she headed over to the register to get them a spot in line.

After Birth

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