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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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'Mother Mary Was Essentially Raped,' Mourdock Says While Digging Self Into Deeper Hole

NEW ALBANY, IN—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God. “Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.” At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.

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