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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that his natural gifts were evident as soon as he started crawling, Jessica Enos, the mother of mixed martial arts fighter Cody Garbrandt, told reporters Thursday that her son began punching and kicking the shit out of everything from an early age. “Even as a baby, he was constantly whaling on his teddy bear with his fists and slamming the other stuffed animals up against the slats of his crib,” Enos said of the 25-year-old UFC bantamweight champion, adding that as a toddler he quickly developed a passion for sprinting across the living room and spearing his brother’s chest with his head. “Every time I turned around he was bashing his full body weight into the sofa or choking out one of the neighborhood kids in the backyard. Once he started going to school, the teachers all told me that he was clearly the best at roundhouse kicking his classmates in the face.” Enos then added that she would never forget the day she watched her son finally beat his dad in their driveway.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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