OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that his natural gifts were evident as soon as he started crawling, Jessica Enos, the mother of mixed martial arts fighter Cody Garbrandt, told reporters Thursday that her son began punching and kicking the shit out of everything from an early age. “Even as a baby, he was constantly whaling on his teddy bear with his fists and slamming the other stuffed animals up against the slats of his crib,” Enos said of the 25-year-old UFC bantamweight champion, adding that as a toddler he quickly developed a passion for sprinting across the living room and spearing his brother’s chest with his head. “Every time I turned around he was bashing his full body weight into the sofa or choking out one of the neighborhood kids in the backyard. Once he started going to school, the teachers all told me that he was clearly the best at roundhouse kicking his classmates in the face.” Enos then added that she would never forget the day she watched her son finally beat his dad in their driveway.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.