MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that his natural gifts were evident as soon as he started crawling, Jessica Enos, the mother of mixed martial arts fighter Cody Garbrandt, told reporters Thursday that her son began punching and kicking the shit out of everything from an early age. “Even as a baby, he was constantly whaling on his teddy bear with his fists and slamming the other stuffed animals up against the slats of his crib,” Enos said of the 25-year-old UFC bantamweight champion, adding that as a toddler he quickly developed a passion for sprinting across the living room and spearing his brother’s chest with his head. “Every time I turned around he was bashing his full body weight into the sofa or choking out one of the neighborhood kids in the backyard. Once he started going to school, the teachers all told me that he was clearly the best at roundhouse kicking his classmates in the face.” Enos then added that she would never forget the day she watched her son finally beat his dad in their driveway.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.