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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Mother Of Slaying Victim Glad It Was Onion Reporter Who Knocked On Her Door Half An Hour After Funeral

BALTIMORE—In mourning following the early morning slaying of her 16-year-old daughter by an unknown assailant in Broening Park, Grace Palmer expressed joy and gratitude Tuesday that a reporter from The Onion, and not some other newspaper, had come to her door 30 minutes after the funeral. “Thank God it’s you!” the sobbing mother exclaimed as she threw open the door and ushered reporters inside. “Those other journalists from The Washington Post and The Baltimore Sun are nothing but a pack of vultures. You’re the only ones who can give my daughter a voice now that she’s gone!” After sharing everything she had withheld from other media outlets—including descriptions of her own confusion, grief, and desire for compassionate justice—Palmer started to give in to the overwhelming sexual aura of journalistic excellence emanating from The Onion reporter, which he understood, but gracefully declined to have any part of due to his unwavering commitment to professionalism.

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