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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Mother Of Slaying Victim Glad It Was Onion Reporter Who Knocked On Her Door Half An Hour After Funeral

BALTIMORE—In mourning following the early morning slaying of her 16-year-old daughter by an unknown assailant in Broening Park, Grace Palmer expressed joy and gratitude Tuesday that a reporter from The Onion, and not some other newspaper, had come to her door 30 minutes after the funeral. “Thank God it’s you!” the sobbing mother exclaimed as she threw open the door and ushered reporters inside. “Those other journalists from The Washington Post and The Baltimore Sun are nothing but a pack of vultures. You’re the only ones who can give my daughter a voice now that she’s gone!” After sharing everything she had withheld from other media outlets—including descriptions of her own confusion, grief, and desire for compassionate justice—Palmer started to give in to the overwhelming sexual aura of journalistic excellence emanating from The Onion reporter, which he understood, but gracefully declined to have any part of due to his unwavering commitment to professionalism.

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