adBlockCheck

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son. “I’ve been searching for months, but it’s been so difficult to find a program that devotes all its resources to my child, and only my child,” said Gail, who added that a shocking number of preschools in the area employed teachers who divide their attention between more than one student instead of dedicating all their time to the education, care, and positive mental stimulation of her son. “I think it’s my responsibility as a parent to choose a school with an educational philosophy that is personalized to the specific needs and interests of my child alone. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving my Skyler in a place where he is not the center of attention at every moment of every day.” Gail, who reiterated the importance of choosing a preschool that concentrated solely on her child, said the next few years would be incredibly formative in determining the kind of person he would grow up to be.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close