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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mother Surprised Son Needs So Much Ammunition For First Day Of School

VERSAILLES, PA—With a list of back-to-school supplies that included an AR-15 rifle, three Walther P22 pistols, and four X-15 skeletonized drum magazines, local mother Amy Bromka asked her 15-year-old son, Tyler, Monday if he really needed all that ammunition for his first day of school. “Honey, can you even fit all of that in your backpack?” Bromka reportedly asked of the near 40 pounds of smooth-feeding 30-round speed loaders Tyler said he “totally needed.” “It just seems like a lot of guns and ammunition, sweetie. And I don’t think you need more than two three-subject notebooks, either.” At press time, Tyler’s best friend Ben had just given his mom a similar list.

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