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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Mother Throws Away Son's Baseball-Card Collection As Required By Narrative Convention

NEW HAVEN, CT—With her son Jason safely away at college, Janet Pinsky fulfilled the traditional custom of any suburban mother by throwing away her son's baseball-card collection without asking his permission. "Lord knows I didn't want to just toss seven years and over 1,300 cards—including the '86 Topps Traded Barry Bonds rookie, the rare limited-edition Michael Jordan Upper Deck, and the '91 Donruss Signature Series Ripken with hologram border—into the trash, but I have certain obligations as a middle-class-mother archetype," said Pinsky, who years earlier was helpless to do anything but disapprove of Jason's first girlfriend even though she seemed like a perfectly sweet girl, and whose own mother had no choice but to give away her brother's 1951 Bowman Mickey Mantle rookie. "It's a shame I had to get rid of them—some of those cards would have been worth a lot of money someday." In keeping with the convention, Pinsky will remain silent on the issue until Alex Rodriguez hits his 800th home run 10 years from now, at which point she will inform her excited son that the cards were taking up too much room in the basement and that he hadn't played with them in years, anyway.

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