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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes

SMYRNA, GA—Eleven-year-old Dan Weisz, reportedly his mother's precious sweetheart, viciously ridiculed an overweight classmate for 30 minutes straight this morning on the Middlebury Elementary School playground. "You couldn't ask for a more loving, well-behaved boy," Donna Weisz said of the son who is the apple of her eye and whose tireless mockery of another boy’s body type during recess continued with such ruthless intensity that it appeared to be unimpeded by anything even approximating a human conscience. "Every day with him is such a special gift. His father and I feel truly blessed." By press time, mother's little angel had systematically broken down any remaining sense of self-worth his overweight classmate may have previously possessed.

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