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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes

SMYRNA, GA—Eleven-year-old Dan Weisz, reportedly his mother's precious sweetheart, viciously ridiculed an overweight classmate for 30 minutes straight this morning on the Middlebury Elementary School playground. "You couldn't ask for a more loving, well-behaved boy," Donna Weisz said of the son who is the apple of her eye and whose tireless mockery of another boy’s body type during recess continued with such ruthless intensity that it appeared to be unimpeded by anything even approximating a human conscience. "Every day with him is such a special gift. His father and I feel truly blessed." By press time, mother's little angel had systematically broken down any remaining sense of self-worth his overweight classmate may have previously possessed.

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