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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes

SMYRNA, GA—Eleven-year-old Dan Weisz, reportedly his mother's precious sweetheart, viciously ridiculed an overweight classmate for 30 minutes straight this morning on the Middlebury Elementary School playground. "You couldn't ask for a more loving, well-behaved boy," Donna Weisz said of the son who is the apple of her eye and whose tireless mockery of another boy’s body type during recess continued with such ruthless intensity that it appeared to be unimpeded by anything even approximating a human conscience. "Every day with him is such a special gift. His father and I feel truly blessed." By press time, mother's little angel had systematically broken down any remaining sense of self-worth his overweight classmate may have previously possessed.

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