adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Mothers Lose 10th Annual MLB Mother's Day Game 24-2

COOPERSTOWN—Mothers of current major-leaguers lost their 10th consecutive Mother's Day game by a score of 24-2 Sunday, the most resounding win by MLB players in the yearly matchup since 1999. "My mom and I haven't gotten together in a quite while, so it was so nice to see her, especially when I blew a 95 mph fastball past her to win the game," Josh Beckett said following the game, in which he recorded 13 strikeouts and one walk. "We always go easy on them, but when A-Rod's mom was showboating after she hit a double in the sixth, I had to plunk her the next time she got up. Just a part of the game." Though the mothers' team put up subpar numbers, Mrs. Weaver's solid seven-inning pitching performance caught the attention of Mariners' GM Bill Bavasi, who is reportedly considering her as a possible replacement for struggling starter Jeff Weaver.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close