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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Mothers Of NFL Players Concerned About Binge Drinking At Bottom Of Pile

CHICAGO—A coalition of concerned NFL mothers held a press conference Friday, expressing their fears about the growing risk of binge drinking that occurs beneath the pile of players attempting to gain control of the loose ball. “There gets to be so many of our boys in there you can’t even see what’s going on at the bottom, but believe me, we’ve all heard stories,” said Karen Reed, mother of Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed. “I just hate the fact that I know my son is down there all the time where I can’t look out for him. I worry about other players taking advantage of him down there, maybe pressuring him to drink or smoke where they think they can get away with it.” Several of the mothers also reported that after their sons exited the piles they often appeared woozy, delirious, or glazed—in some cases even vomiting at night—evidence the women cited as definitive proof that their offspring were drunk.

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