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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Mothers Of NFL Players Concerned About Binge Drinking At Bottom Of Pile

CHICAGO—A coalition of concerned NFL mothers held a press conference Friday, expressing their fears about the growing risk of binge drinking that occurs beneath the pile of players attempting to gain control of the loose ball. “There gets to be so many of our boys in there you can’t even see what’s going on at the bottom, but believe me, we’ve all heard stories,” said Karen Reed, mother of Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed. “I just hate the fact that I know my son is down there all the time where I can’t look out for him. I worry about other players taking advantage of him down there, maybe pressuring him to drink or smoke where they think they can get away with it.” Several of the mothers also reported that after their sons exited the piles they often appeared woozy, delirious, or glazed—in some cases even vomiting at night—evidence the women cited as definitive proof that their offspring were drunk.

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