Mothership Accidentally Descends On Hootie Concert

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Vol 31 Issue 04

Entertainment Tonight Host 'Can't Wait' To See New Paramount Pictures Release

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bob Goen, co-host of Paramount Television's popular Entertainment Tonight program told co-host Mary Hart on air Monday that he "can't wait" to see the upcoming Paramount Pictures action-adventure release, Ring Of Fire, starring Bruce Willis and William Baldwin. "This is the movie everybody's talking about," Goen said, reading from a studio teleprompter to ET's national television audience. "The buzz around Hollywood is that the special effects are out of this world," he added. Goen reportedly spent much of Sunday afternoon studying the publicity packet for the film. Goen's boss, Paramount Pictures executive Ira Niven, said he believes the film will be "a real treat" for Goen. Paramount publicity head Ellyn Clark said she expects Goen to "absolutely love" the film.

Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

Russians To Build, Tear Down Statue

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—In a move certain to maintain instability in Russia, citizens of St. Petersburg unveiled plans at an anti-Yeltsin rally Monday to build an enormous stone statue and then tear it down. The monument will be a 1,000-foot-tall likeness of Aleksandr Kovalev, the right-wing, hard-line army general who is currently involved in a power struggle with Yeltsin. The statue will be erected in St. Petersburg's town square, where citizens angry with the government's failed economic reforms and political instability are calling for the statue's immediate construction and dismantling. "We will build this great statue to honor this great man," St. Petersburg resident Vassily Kerensky said. "Then, we will tear down this symbol of oppression which has tyrannically lorded over us for far too long." When informed of the citizens' plans, Kovalev praised the construction of the statue and expressed rage over its destruction.

Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary

WASHINGTON, DC—In a special ceremony at the White House Monday, Madeline Albright was sworn in as the nation's 43rd U.S. Secretary, the highest government position ever held by a woman. President Clinton praised Albright, citing her excellent organizational skills and pleasant phone voice. "Miss Albright will make an excellent Secretary," Clinton told the assembled reporters. "As a pioneer in the receptionist field, she is an inspiration to young women everywhere." Clinton vowed that Albright would make the timely serving of coffee her "top priority." Albright's other duties will include some light typing and filing. Albright left a similar position in the principal's office at Lakeview Junior High School in Rockville, MD, to accept the U.S. Secretary post.

Scientologists In Germany

The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think?

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.
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Mothership Accidentally Descends On Hootie Concert

ROSEMONT, IL—Confusion and awkwardness resulted Monday when the P-Funk Mothership, outer-space chariot of Dr. Funkenstein and the Star Child, accidentally descended upon a sold-out Hootie and the Blowfish concert at the Rosemont Horizon arena in suburban Chicago.

The P-Funk Mothership lands behind Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker at Chicago's Rosemont Horizon, an event he says threatened to "tear the roof off the structure."

"Thumpasaurus Peoples! You have summoned us through the Groove, and we have returned to refunkatize the planet!" said Dr. Funkenstein, the fur-bedecked, disco-booted Mothership Supreme Commander, moments before the popular South Carolina-based band was about to launch into the song "I Only Wanna Be With You."

Members of Hootie and the Blowfish, whose 1995 release Cracked Rear View sold over 14 million copies, were caught off guard by the arrival of the Mothership.

"The man who came out of the spaceship attempted to shoot me with something he called a 'Bop Gun,'" lead singer Darius Rucker told reporters. "Somehow I sensed it would be detrimental to my career as a singer."

Added a visibly distressed Rucker: "He also seemed to imply that if I let my mind go free, something would happen to my bottom."

Bandmate Dean Felber was equally disturbed by the appearance of the cosmic visitors. "Their mode of dress was, frankly, garish," Felber told reporters, "not at all like the muted, earth-tone flannels and oversized cable-knit sweaters appropriate for concert wear."

Sources speculate that an inadvertent hip shake by Rucker, who briefly lost his balance stumbling over a stray mandolin, may have accidentally summoned the Mothership.

It is also speculated that Rucker's powerful baritone voice may have exceeded Hootie and the Blowfish's normal safety standards for "bass," inadvertently summoning the intergalactic funk saucer.

Said band member Mark Bryan,"We had just finished a really super rendition of 'Let Her Cry' that sounded exactly like on the CD, when out of nowhere these strange men came down shouting about getting up and doing the backstroke, or something."

According to police, no serious damage was caused by the incident, but it did result in a 45-minute concert delay, causing many in attendance to go to bed later than they had wanted to.

"I had a 9 a.m. meeting the next day with a very important client," said concertgoer/stockbroker James Norridge, 42, who did not go to sleep until well after midnight. "I really needed to be at the top of my game."

Norridge's disappointment was typical of the 17,456 whites in attendance.

"I did not wish to get 'funked up,'" said Roger Kleist, 33. "If I did, I would have attended a Dave Matthews Band concert."

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