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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

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Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

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Mothership Accidentally Descends On Hootie Concert

ROSEMONT, IL—Confusion and awkwardness resulted Monday when the P-Funk Mothership, outer-space chariot of Dr. Funkenstein and the Star Child, accidentally descended upon a sold-out Hootie and the Blowfish concert at the Rosemont Horizon arena in suburban Chicago.

The P-Funk Mothership lands behind Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker at Chicago's Rosemont Horizon, an event he says threatened to "tear the roof off the structure."

"Thumpasaurus Peoples! You have summoned us through the Groove, and we have returned to refunkatize the planet!" said Dr. Funkenstein, the fur-bedecked, disco-booted Mothership Supreme Commander, moments before the popular South Carolina-based band was about to launch into the song "I Only Wanna Be With You."

Members of Hootie and the Blowfish, whose 1995 release Cracked Rear View sold over 14 million copies, were caught off guard by the arrival of the Mothership.

"The man who came out of the spaceship attempted to shoot me with something he called a 'Bop Gun,'" lead singer Darius Rucker told reporters. "Somehow I sensed it would be detrimental to my career as a singer."

Added a visibly distressed Rucker: "He also seemed to imply that if I let my mind go free, something would happen to my bottom."

Bandmate Dean Felber was equally disturbed by the appearance of the cosmic visitors. "Their mode of dress was, frankly, garish," Felber told reporters, "not at all like the muted, earth-tone flannels and oversized cable-knit sweaters appropriate for concert wear."

Sources speculate that an inadvertent hip shake by Rucker, who briefly lost his balance stumbling over a stray mandolin, may have accidentally summoned the Mothership.

It is also speculated that Rucker's powerful baritone voice may have exceeded Hootie and the Blowfish's normal safety standards for "bass," inadvertently summoning the intergalactic funk saucer.

Said band member Mark Bryan,"We had just finished a really super rendition of 'Let Her Cry' that sounded exactly like on the CD, when out of nowhere these strange men came down shouting about getting up and doing the backstroke, or something."

According to police, no serious damage was caused by the incident, but it did result in a 45-minute concert delay, causing many in attendance to go to bed later than they had wanted to.

"I had a 9 a.m. meeting the next day with a very important client," said concertgoer/stockbroker James Norridge, 42, who did not go to sleep until well after midnight. "I really needed to be at the top of my game."

Norridge's disappointment was typical of the 17,456 whites in attendance.

"I did not wish to get 'funked up,'" said Roger Kleist, 33. "If I did, I would have attended a Dave Matthews Band concert."

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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