Motocrosser Quits After Learning Physics

In This Section

Vol 42 Issue 30

Chicago Mandates Living Wage

The Chicago City Council passed an ordinance last week declaring that "big box" stores like Target and Best Buy had to pay a living wage of $10 per...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Motocrosser Quits After Learning Physics

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Reigning AMA Motocross national champion Ricky Carmichael, considered by many to be the greatest off-road motorcycle rider in history, abruptly announced his retirement from competition Monday after completing a summer course in physics at Florida State University. "I've had a great run in both professional motocross and Supercross, but the more I learn about kinetic energy, momentum, and ballistics, I'm beginning to think I've had a pretty good run of luck, too," said Carmichael, whose instructors said seemed particularly interested in the effects that gravity and sudden deceleration could have on a Suzuki RMZ250 four-stroke dirt bike. "I'd like to thank everyone and everything that helped me get this far, especially the considerable gyroscopic forces of the wheels on my race bikes, which were apparently sometimes the only thing keeping me from sublimating into a liquid state of matter." Carmichael is rumored to be considering a career in NASCAR after completing courses in business and marketing.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More