adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing

TIFTON, GA—Traveling lightly with little to no body protection and occasionally swerving inward to chat, the two motorcyclists riding side by side in the traffic lane right next to you on Interstate 75 probably know what they’re doing, highway sources reported. “They’re riding at incredibly high speeds within feet of each other and dozens of other multi-ton vehicles, so of course they know how to travel safely without endangering the lives of everyone around them,” car passenger Jane Kurutz confirmed as the two men suddenly nodded to each other, cut across two lanes of traffic, and resumed traveling in a two-wide formation. “Oh, look, now they’re being joined by four other motorcyclists who are also riding side by side. Yep, there’s six of them. Probably all highly trained professionals with years of experience operating motorcycles in potentially lethal situations. Pretty neat.” At press time, sources reported that traffic had slowed down and the no doubt supremely careful motorcyclists were expertly passing cars by squeezing between them in a single-file line.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close