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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing

TIFTON, GA—Traveling lightly with little to no body protection and occasionally swerving inward to chat, the two motorcyclists riding side by side in the traffic lane right next to you on Interstate 75 probably know what they’re doing, highway sources reported. “They’re riding at incredibly high speeds within feet of each other and dozens of other multi-ton vehicles, so of course they know how to travel safely without endangering the lives of everyone around them,” car passenger Jane Kurutz confirmed as the two men suddenly nodded to each other, cut across two lanes of traffic, and resumed traveling in a two-wide formation. “Oh, look, now they’re being joined by four other motorcyclists who are also riding side by side. Yep, there’s six of them. Probably all highly trained professionals with years of experience operating motorcycles in potentially lethal situations. Pretty neat.” At press time, sources reported that traffic had slowed down and the no doubt supremely careful motorcyclists were expertly passing cars by squeezing between them in a single-file line.

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