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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing

TIFTON, GA—Traveling lightly with little to no body protection and occasionally swerving inward to chat, the two motorcyclists riding side by side in the traffic lane right next to you on Interstate 75 probably know what they’re doing, highway sources reported. “They’re riding at incredibly high speeds within feet of each other and dozens of other multi-ton vehicles, so of course they know how to travel safely without endangering the lives of everyone around them,” car passenger Jane Kurutz confirmed as the two men suddenly nodded to each other, cut across two lanes of traffic, and resumed traveling in a two-wide formation. “Oh, look, now they’re being joined by four other motorcyclists who are also riding side by side. Yep, there’s six of them. Probably all highly trained professionals with years of experience operating motorcycles in potentially lethal situations. Pretty neat.” At press time, sources reported that traffic had slowed down and the no doubt supremely careful motorcyclists were expertly passing cars by squeezing between them in a single-file line.

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