adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mountain Dew Council of Elders Exiles Non-Radical Teen

From their hidden sanctuary high atop Mount Dew, the Mountain Dew Council Of Elders formally passed judgment on area teen Brian Ruderman yesterday, unanimously ruling him "not radical" and sentencing him to eternal banishment from the Extreme Network.

From high atop Mount Dew, the great Council of Elders ruled area teen Brian Ruderman 'Not Extreme,' stripping him of his Extreme Network Pager and forever erasing his name from the Book of Dew.

"To you, Brian Ruderman, we have said in the past, Do the Dew," Mountain Dew Highfather Snow-boardus the Totally Radical said as the final verdict was delivered. "But from this day forth say we it no longer, saying to ye instead, Brian Ruderman, go forth from this place, leave us, and Do the Dew no more."

Ruderman, 18, who was brought before the ancient Council under allegations of showing cowardice in the face of rollerblade ramp-jumping and bicycle moto-cross skydiving, was unable to successfully defend himself after failing the "Trial By Bungee," a 500-year-old initiation ritual of the Order of Dew.

Mount Dew

Witnesses report that a fiery bolt of lightning split the sky moments after judgment was passed, and that Ruderman cowered in fear as the thunderbolt's roar filled the Council of Elders' vast central chamber.

"You have been deemed not worthy," Mountain Dew Highfather Jetskius the Awesome stated. "You and your scions shall never again Grab It, Buy It or Slam It."

The Council's final vote was made using the ancient traditional method of colored smoke, with green signalling acquittal and red signalling guilt. At the sight of the red smoke, Ruderman burst into what one witness described as "uncool, sissy-like" tears as he had his name erased from the Book of Dew.

Yesterday's judgment by the Mountain Dew Council of Elders was in accordance with the ancient law of Grand Mighty Dewfather Rollervladiuscz the Intense, who in 1469 delivered the Word of Dew to the heathen Shastites.

The sentencing, in accordance with ancient Mountain Dew teachings, applies not only to Ruderman but to his entire lineage. "Say also we, unto the seventh son of your seventh son, Do Not the Dew," the Council's verdict read.

As a result of his banishment from the Extreme Network, Ruderman will be stripped of his Motorola Numeric Pager and lose six months free air time from MobilCom, a $125 retail value. As a result, he will no longer receive weekly beeps containing special offers from the coolest brands and a chance to win prizes like extreme trips and cool athletic gear.

Further, because of Mountain Dew's early 1980s acquisition by PepsiCo, Ruderman will also be forbidden to Get Stuff, and will no longer be recognized as a member of The New Generation.

A defeated, broken Ruderman, his voice quaking with humiliation, spoke to reporters after the sentencing. "I wanted to be radical, but I am not. I was too weak to jump my mountain bike off the cliff. I was too weak to waterski behind a team of untamed stallions. Even the old-fashioned diving off a rope swing into a lake in slow motion was too much for me. Even the high-energy rush of slammin' a Dew could not instill in me the courage to be a cool guy."

"I am truly not radical," Ruderman continued. "I am nothing now, only an empty shell. I shall leave for the Land of the Lame, to live amongst the lepers, half-castes and dweebs. My name will vanish from the world, insects will crawl on my sores all the days of my life, and crows will alight atop my unburied corpse, and feast there on my flesh."

The statement was then cut off, as Ruderman burst into a fit of violent sobbing.

Ruderman's ex-girlfriend Melissa Schuman, who left him shortly before he went to trial, agreed with the Council's verdict of "uncool." "Brian? I can't believe I used to go out with him. This is, like, so embarrassing. I'm so sure. He's such a total weeno. I'm totally into Brandon now."

Early reports indicate that Brandon is way awesome, and more than capable of doing the Dew.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close