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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Mountaintop Retreat With Maharishi Leaves Greenspan Obsessed With Rupee

WASHINGTON, DC–Returning from a two-week retreat at the top of Nanda Devi in the Indian state of Himachal Pradesh with mentor Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Fed Chair Alan Greenspan announced Monday that all currency flows organically from India's rupee. "Just as water, which ordinarily flows downhill, will leap up to cover a rock, so do the currencies of the seven major industrialized nations adapt their direction and flow to the rupee, the one constant in an ever-changing economy," said Greenspan, clad in a traditional Indian sherwani and sandals. "The metafiscal ramifications are simultaneously overwhelming and calming."

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