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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Mountaintop Retreat With Maharishi Leaves Greenspan Obsessed With Rupee

WASHINGTON, DC–Returning from a two-week retreat at the top of Nanda Devi in the Indian state of Himachal Pradesh with mentor Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Fed Chair Alan Greenspan announced Monday that all currency flows organically from India's rupee. "Just as water, which ordinarily flows downhill, will leap up to cover a rock, so do the currencies of the seven major industrialized nations adapt their direction and flow to the rupee, the one constant in an ever-changing economy," said Greenspan, clad in a traditional Indian sherwani and sandals. "The metafiscal ramifications are simultaneously overwhelming and calming."

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