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Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day

TARPON SPRINGS, FL—Semi-retired attorney George Schulman, 62, is already expressing remorse over his move into a Suncruiser 360 houseboat last Saturday. "I thought it would be more like MacGyver or, you know, Simon & Simon. But it's just sort of boring," Schulman told reporters Monday. "The whole marina reeks of old fish, and I'm gonna kill somebody if I hear another goddamn Jimmy Buffett song blaring from that oyster bar over by the dock." Schulman went on to express regret about spending more than $400 on Hawaiian-print shirts.

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