adBlockCheck

Mover Regales Area Man With Story Of Time He Moved Dresser Just Like This One

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mover Regales Area Man With Story Of Time He Moved Dresser Just Like This One

PONTIAC, MI—During a routine crosstown job Monday, Triple S Transfer And Storage mover Ron Estes informed client Ward Buell that Buell's bedroom dresser was remarkably similar to one that Estes encountered "about five years ago."

"I've seen one of these before," Estes said. "This one is stained a little lighter and has different drawer pulls, but otherwise it's the same make."

Getting on his knees to look underneath the dresser, Estes added: "Yeah, you can tell by these slats down here."

Ward Buell stands beside the dresser that sparked Estes’ memory.

Instead of wordlessly moving the dresser out to the truck with a coworker, the barrel-chested, T-shirted Estes leaned against a windowsill and placed a hand on an upturned mattress to tell Buell about the dresser similar to his own.

"I remember the day," Estes said. "We took all the drawers out, of course. Then I lifted it the way I normally would: with one hand on the upper back and the other on the front base edging. But then you couldn't angle it, because they had pretty narrow doorways in that place."

Said Estes: "You had to hold it straight."

According to Buell, Estes examined the back of the dresser before resuming his tale to the man who was paying $25 an hour for his services.

"The lady who owned that dresser had another unit with these sort of curvy, puffed-out drawers," Estes said. "She called it a bomb. I thought she was joking, but they really are called bombs. Pretty crazy."

"It was in her living room," Estes added. "We brought it out through the kitchen."

Estes then requested some water from Buell.

"Everything else in that house was short work—even their sofa was less heavy than we expected," Estes said. "But I really nicked my middle finger getting that sucker through the doorway. We unscrewed the legs from the bottom, which is pretty common with sofas like that one, but it still wasn't fitting. I thought for a while there we were going to have to remove the door frame. That would've been tough."

Estes continued: "But I said, 'Let's give her one more try,' and we got her through."

Estes then apologized for the digression and announced that he would bring his remarks "back to the story of the dresser."

"It wasn't hard to get a solid grip on that thing. You had short legs, and solid central struts between where the drawers go that you can grab onto. Basically, whatever part you wanted to grab on that was convenient, really," Estes said.

He continued: "Mike [Steinke] and I, that's the guy I was with, we brought that particular piece outside the house and I had adjusted my hold and was carrying it with one hand on the central strut and I heard this little 'whr-whr-whr.' One of those pieces, it'd started to turn a little bit."

"No permanent damage," Estes said quickly. "No damage was done to the piece. But it turns out those planks were only held in by one nail on each side, which a lot of these types of dressers are. And it could just spin around if you got the wrong hold on it. I didn't know this at that time. We were both pretty new on the job. I've handled a lot of furniture since then, and you start to get a feel."

"Mike was killed in Iraq a couple years back," Estes added.

Ron Estes

Apparently sensing Buell's growing unease, Estes turned the conversation around, asking Buell a series of questions about the dresser. Buell said he didn't remember where he bought it, but it might have been at an antique-furniture store across town. He also denied staining the dresser himself.

Reached for comment Tuesday, Estes characterized the similarity of the two dressers as "a funny coincidence."

"You see a fair number of these types of dressers, and when you're a mover and see stuff like that, the alarm bells go off," Estes said. "I believe K & L Furniture was selling these up until a couple years ago, at least. They probably still are."

Representatives from K & L Furniture-4-Less could not be reached for comment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close