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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Movie Characters Happen To Pass Through Pamplona On The One Week Bulls Run

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—In a dangerous and completely coincidental confluence of events, three vacationing American movie characters were reportedly almost trampled to death when they just happened to pass through the center of Pamplona, Spain during the one week the running of the bulls takes place. “Say, where is everybody?” the film’s protagonist Paul Wallace said to his traveling companions as they stood alone in an empty and eerily quiet plaza, unaware that it happened to be the week of July 6, when the city celebrates its annual festival of San Fermín. “And why is the ground trembling? Maybe it’s an earthquake or—oh my God! Run for it, guys!” At press time, sources confirmed the three travelers had narrowly escaped the bulls, but only after running past the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Big Ben, and a group of lederhosen-clad Germans who were for some reason celebrating Oktoberfest.

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